Creating Receptivity

Couples in Conflict – Part 3

by Marilyn Minden

Self Responsibility vs Self Blame

We are not responsible for the childhood origins of our feelings but as adults we are responsible for our reactions and feelings. Response-ability is not self blame, blaming others or making excuses. It means being able to respond with respect for yourself and your partner. Compare saying: “You make me angry” to “I feel angry” When you both take responsibility for your reactions, you will hear each other quite differently. You will experience mutual respect, more patience and compassion.

The Value of a Preamble

To “set the stage” for what you want from your partner, add a preamble. Create receptivity so that you can speak uncritically and honestly. Some examples:

If you anticipate loud confrontation, rejection, judgement, or criticism you can say: “For me to let you know how I feel, I need some assurance that you will stay calm, listen, not roll your eyes, or interrupt.”

If you tend to get the “unwelcome rescue” you can say: “I’d like to talk to you about something important and I need you to listen until I’m finished. “If I need to solve a problem, please wait until I ask you for help.”

If you fear being admonished or judged:

“I want to tell you about my day at work and I need you to be my ally, take my side today, no matter what.”

If you fear being dismissed, ignored or judged:

“I don’t need you to agree with me. I do want you to look at me, listen closely, and acknowledge me.”

Acknowledge and Validate

Whether or not you are in agreement, acknowledge what you hear. It helps to disarm your partner’s anger or frustration. It is surprising that in the heat of disagreement we can be generous. Let each other know that what you hear has validity. When you say: “I can see why you would feel this way because…” you soften your partner’s stance and create receptivity.

Develop a Code: Create Signals

Reduce the static and confusion and create new signals together.

Red Light = I’m not open right now to listening.

Yellow Light = I need some time to calm down. Let’s talk in an hour.

Green Light = I’m curious, and interested in what you have to say. I am ready to figure this out together.

Problem solving – Timing is critical

You problems are more likely to be solved when both of you aren’t walking on eggshells or in overdrive. Notice when you have the urge to withdraw, interrupt or agree to quickly. Sometimes you have to disconnect in order to reconnect. You can always say take a “time out” and plan to meet again in an hour.

Check your Tone

It is often the “how” and not the “what” that is crucial to reaching an understanding. When you ask for something what is your tone? Are you being indirect and hoping the other will get it? What are you really saying? Tone is a vehicle for the unspoken. It conveys your attitude and your feelings. Try these statements with different tones: “How did your job search go today?” “I took the kids to skating.” “When’s dinner?”

Replace Never with Sometimes

How receptive are you when you are spoken to in absolutes? “You never clean the kitchen”. Or “I’m the only one around here doing anything!” Replace never and always with “Sometimes!”

Seek Common Ground – Together

Declare your differences and look for common ground. Explain what is important to you. Discuss your priorities. Consider all the options and look for the one that you can both live with. If necessary, get someone to mediate.

Be Positive – A Daily Habit

Lighten your intensity with humour; smiles can melt the wall between you. Admit your desire to win so that you can both laugh about it. Acknowledge anything positive that occurs between you every day. Together, practice asking “How can I make you feel loved and valued today?” Express gratitude often.

There is no quick fix. With your awareness you will expand your choices of how to respond to your partner. Being in a relationship takes courage and patience. You can fashion a life together that works for both of you. If you are looking for additional support and guidance in strengthening your relationship, consult a marriage/couple counsellor.

Check the website for recommended reading, resources and contact information.

www.marilynminden.com

Can You Feel the Love?

Musings on love of all kinds

by Sophia Angelo

“When will I find love?” or “I just want to be loved!” so often the question we ask -  but should we really be asking the question “Do I Feel the Love?”

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I ponder the lessons that living part-time in Sicily has taught me.  Among them is knowing that we are, each and every one of us, surrounded by love. Our challenge is to recognize that fact.

Every day we pass by expressions of love, taking no notice of the their potent properties and impact on our lives.  The challenge is not finding love, whether it be the romantic love we yearn for or that of special friends and family members.  It is rather feeling the love.

Believe in Love

How often have you heard  “I know my family loves me” – followed by a long pause expressing the unspoken void believed to be a lack of love.  I now, more than ever, understand the subtle but oh so important difference.  That of allowing ourselves to feel the love that surrounds us or not. Now, easy it is not.

Waiting to be loved is passive – it does not mean that you do not put time and effort into much that accompanies the desire, but the waiting is indeed passive. Feeling on the other hand is very much a participatory activity – you can’t be a bystander or you will be bypassed.

Opening oneself to the love that surrounds us is not for everyone – you must be brave and believe that love is not the goal but the reward of a life well lived, since love abounds.