Letter from a procrastinator

How to stop procrastinating … and get on with living

by Marilyn Minden, RSW

Dear Marilyn,
I know this sounds like everyone else out there but I procrastinate. Badly. I think a lot about doing great things with my life, but I don’t get further than thinking about them. Why do I do this to myself? I’m really tired and I’m feeling stuck. Stuckhearted, Toronto

Dear Stuckhearted,

It’s not surprising that you are tired.  Procrastination is exhausting and stressful.  Stress is a fight, flight or freeze response which releases a flood of hormones, adrenaline and cortisol into your system.  The more you procrastinate, the more stress you feel and the more stress you feel, the more you procrastinate.You are stuck in a negative cycle.  Your habit of thinking without doing may have become a fixed response. Procrastinators establish habits that lock them into a negative pattern, meaning you become more skilled at procrastinating than taking action.

Big Goals –Big Avoidance

Procrastinators tend to imagine gigantic goals that feel, and in fact may be, impossible to reach. The dream or the goal is exciting in itself but the energy for it fizzles out quickly. It is reasonable to avoid doing anything that feels impossible, overwhelming, and has no guarantee of succeeding.

The Paradox

Contrary to common perception, procrastination is not about being lazy. It is usually about perfectionism, and feeling overwhelmed. Paradoxically, immobility is a way to reinforce feelings of failure – the very feelings you want to avoid. Procrastinators mentally skip over the action details of reaching a goal.

Feeling Better:  The Action/Mood Connection

Begin to create a positive feedback loop for yourself – ‘taking one step at a time’ is a physical action, and one of the simplest antidotes to being stuck.  Here are a few more ‘action steps’ that may propel you on your way:-

Imagine you are standing alone at the top of a mountain and you shout out : “What keeps me stuck … aaaah!”
Notice if your inner voice is critical. Turn your inner “critics” into allies.  Would you talk to your best friends the way you talk to yourself?
Write in one sentence what’s important to you about not procrastinating.
Create a visual map if you are averse to writing.  You are the painter, the palette is yours.
Remove the word “later” from the comment “I’ll do it.”

Use others to help you

Procrastination is often a private struggle. Invite a close friend to just listen while you ask and answer out loud these six questions:

Who am I doing this for?
What difference would it make to my life?
What’s my first step?
What helps me to keep going?
Who can help me with this?
Guidelines: Be rigorously honest, specific and realistic.

Find someone to schedule a check in with you weekly for an update, guidance and encouragement. This will keep you ‘honest’ and help sustain your motivation and momentum. Keep all your scheduled check-ins whether or not you had a ‘good’ week. Whether you proceed with a small, or big life changing event, your procrastination may temporarily resurface. This is a realistic pattern of learning. Do not be discouraged. Review and practice what you’ve learned. That’s progress.

When you exercise a new habit of taking action, the following may occur: your negative stress will diminish. You will feel lighter, unapologetic, positive, bold, connected to your ‘inner ally’ and more energetic!

www.marilynminden.com
Recommended Reading:  Procrastination:  Why you do it and what to do about it. By Jane B. Burka, Lenora M. Yuen

Is psychotherapy for me?

Getting Gestalt

When you feel overwhelmed, confused, angry, in despair, anxious, conflicted, fearful or a deep sense of loss, counselling can be the first step to feeling better. Getting started in counselling is a thoughtful decision at any age, even when we’re mature and ‘wise’. Psychotherapy can be a positive first step to address what isn’t working for you and an opportunity to consider how you would like to move forward.

• Sometimes, the impact of your earlier life challenges bubble up in midlife and demand attention.
• Perhaps you have reached an awareness that you want to live your life differently.
• You may be seeking greater authenticity and joy.
• People also seek counselling when they are facing what seem to be irreconcilable differences (manifested as conflict or distancing) with family members, friends, their children, or colleagues.

When Tempo Toronto spoke to Marilyn Minden about her psychotherapy practice in Toronto, we were struck by her tremendous faith in the resiliency of the human spirit. She told us what psychotherapy counselling is about. “Counselling provides the encouragement and opportunity to experience greater clarity, confidence, and perspective so that you support yourself to make clear choices and take action as needed. It may be a time to resolve obstacles and ‘grow’ your courage and resilience to adapt to life’s challenges.”

Marilyn has formal education in health, Gestalt psychotherapy and mediation. This, with her own family life, career and personal spiritual development, has created her special style of counselling.

“My approach has four keystones” awareness, choice, courage and change, based on a Gestalt therapy perspective. Gestalt means wholeness. I listen and guide you toward a self-compassionate awareness of how you are ‘stuck’. Whatever your obstacles, getting ‘unstuck’ is a process of becoming more authentic with yourself and others. Often it is called an inner journey.”

The therapy session is one place where you can fine-tune your unique process of personal growth. It can be a place where you say whatever you want, and experience your own compassion so that you can feel a greater connection to yourself and others.

The Gestalt approach is sensitive to the tender and profound balance between being an individual and yet being a vital part of a couple. This balance often frustrates and eludes most people, and counselling helps couples deal with differences rather than erase them – an approach that meets less resistance and allows something workable and exciting to emerge.

“When I am involved in couple or marriage counselling, we focus on the how of  a relationship. This means that I observe and share with my clients how they make contact and how they manage their differences. I focus more on process and less on content. This result of this approach endures beyond the therapy session, because the couple learns how they get in their own way, and how they get in each other’s way. They learn how to stop destructive patterns and how to build emotional safety to connect in a satisfying and more intimate way. It works!

Marilyn described her therapeutic style as compassionate, creative and direct. For her, it is vital that the counselling relationship provides a place where clients feel safe, respected, validated and challenged. “Therapy doesn’t have to be serious all of the time. The work can be playful, lively, creative and poignant.”

Marilyn Minden

Marilyn has spent three decades involved in the promotion of health and wellbeing of others. She has worked in primary health care, health promotion and prevention in a different capacities and settings since 1972, including hospitals, schools, universities, the community, offices and industrial settings. She is a Registered Social Worker who counsels individuals, couples and families. Her qualifications include certification as a Gestalt Therapist, a Parent Educator, and a Registered Nurse with a Masters Environmental Studies Degree in Workplace Health. She counsels individuals (from adolescence to mature adults) and couples, and families. www.marilynminden.com