Toronto is film festa-ville

Light-hearted TIFF Talk

by Ted ‘X’ Loviscek

Organizers call it the “largest public film festival in the world with savvy, sophisticated and discerning audiences” as well as “a platform for the creative and cultural discovery of new cinematic talent, both at home and internationally”. In Toronto, we call it TIFF. Defined, a “tiff” is “a slight fit of annoyance, bad mood, or the like.”

Line-ups for unknown films you won’t get into, overcrowded hotel lobbies, over-priced passes, and the vacuuming of red carpets, are only part of the fun. Along with going back to school, to a film fanatic the beginning of September also means movie premieres, movie stars, late after-movie parties, and lack of sleep. If you are truly a film fan, downtown T.O. is the place to go. If not, trains, planes, and automobiles leave frequently to take you away from this madness.

In order to thoroughly enjoy this annual “fest”, one should have some knowledge of the art-form (which from now on should be referred to as cinema) and the annual Festival’s protocols.

Try this short quiz:

When someone refers to movies with SUB-TITLES, you

a) think of two or your old favorites — SINK THE BISMARK and THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER.

b) of the fun you had the last time you were singing lyrics in a karaoke bar.
c) hope the film has some English.

When you see the word FIN on the screen after seeing a foreign film, you

a) think of where the fish was in the movie you just viewed.

b) stand up and cheer and sing the national anthem of Finland.

c) think you how much you will have to pay for the next movie with the subtitles.

If you notice a film critic seated next to you with his “thumb-up” at the end of a screening

a) you ask him where he is going and offer him a ride back to his typewriter.

b) you ask if he knows the hotel, and room number, of the sexy star of the film you just screened is staying.

c) acknowledge his obscene gesture with one of your own.

When someone mentions they expect “a resurgence in new wave cinema”, you

a) are overjoyed to hear that Frankie and Annette are working again on a new beach and surfing movie.
b) look up “resurgence” in the dictionary when nobody is looking.
c) hope that when the people in front of you start to raise and sway their arms in the air, it will be during a dull point in the film.

A Festival Pass is

a) a polite way of saying “not going this year”.

b) A football or hockey term.

c) 55%, or anything above a “D”.

Loud noises in the dark that disturb other film patrons is/are

a) the trouble you get when sitting next to a film buff rating the performances.

b) how audiences react when told the cost of a bag of popcorn and a coke.

c) ushers grunting loudly for seeing the same bad movie for the fifth time.

Being both a writer and performer, Ted Loviscek has written and reviewed the performing arts, the entertainment scene, and its people in Toronto for publications including the Grapevine, Toronto Tonight, and the Toronto Star. A published, and prize-winning playwright, part time comedian, he has contributed to radio – CFRB and AM640 – as well as having written and performed on CBC TV.

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